My lucky number 3

My third pregnancy.

I remember the day I found out about you. I made daddy go down to the shop below the flat and buy a test! I didn’t need to really, I knew.
I showed it to Daddy, I looked into his eyes and the reality covered me.
I cried.
Not because I didn’t want you. I truly wanted you.
But, because we had no ‘home’. I didn’t think I was strong enough to carry you and look after your brother and sister in the way I wanted to look after them. We had no place for us to properly rest, a place that was ours.
This year has been a bit of a whirlwind.
We take for granted the sense of well being a home brings, especially for a family.
Somewhere you feel at ease, somewhere comfortable, somewhere you bed down and nest. Somewhere safe you can be calm and yourself.
We are very lucky that we have had somewhere very beautiful to live for now, I have to keep reminding myself of that, be it ideal or not, it’s warm and dry! (With a ️lovely view!) the stairs, the space and the day to day has been a challenge but it was a choice. We choose this path!

As the next week unfolded I was in a bit of a panic.
How would we do this? Can I actually cope?
I emailed the Yorkshire Storks. I can only do this with solid support. Daddy agreed.

We went to Thailand; the dream holiday, your brother and sister had an absolute ball! A lot of very new and exciting experiences and wonderful memories made. Proper time together with no jobs! We were lucky you sort of shared it with us! Evelyn decided she didn’t really want ‘milkies’ anymore. :-( then Albert was preparing to go to school. We were planning on moving into the caravan. A lot of significant changes ….
I got quite poorly (on top of the constant dull nausea which was a challenge on island life! *First world issues*) and realised I’m going to have to start facing reality a little, so, we decided to tell Mama and Dardak, Grandma and Grandad and the rest of the gang!
Everyone was thrilled and of course the guessing games begun…
A little load was lifted.

We met Sharyn on our return. Our minds were already set. We needed ‘help!’
A bit more load was lifted.

The weeks passed and the little flutters became rolls, then flips and huge kicks. All the while I was stroking, trying to talk to you but getting too distracted by the countless tasks that re-building our house brought.
I’m sorry bubs.
I also felt guilty about my time alone with Evelyn disappearing. You will never know the ‘mother guilt’ unless one day if you are blessed with having children. Be sympathetic to your other half!
Your brother and sister spent each evening reading to you and singing ‘twinkle twinkle little star’ you already knew them so well, they were listening! You still settle to their voices (even screaming!) and LOVE this song.
I remember the monthly, fortnightly, weekly visits from the storks quite well.
I felt 100% confident in Debs, Chris, Sharyn and Claire. I enjoyed the safety they brought with no glitter and tinsel. I admire what they stand for and was intrigued to find out more about how they practice.
They were accepting me as I was.
I’m such a private person and I rarely open fully. I remember feeling as though I wanted to bear my soul and tell them how Id struggled to come to terms with things that happened during your brother and sisters pregnancies and births but couldn’t bring it out and for some reason it didn’t feel appropriate? I think I was a bit too vulnerable at that point and felt I needed to stay focused on trying to connect with you and prepare for your birth.
Daddy was an absolute rock. We are a great team you know. Even if you never hear us say it!
This year has pushed us both beyond what we thought was possible. With no real disagreements, we are stronger than ever!
Lots of cuddles help.
I am still trying to hear you. I know you’re there.

Daddy took Albert to school, I cleaned the flat, thoroughly. Evelyn was being an angel, pottering around, cuddling lots, playing dens, brushing my hair ….

I had my 40+4 appointment. Tuesday 15th March. It was with Debs. She asked me how I was. Reading between the lines …. Was I ok about being ‘overdue’? …. She was more than happy I was ok and said if I wanted to talk about being overdue and what usually happens we’d do it next time!

She left saying she was going to be on a training course for 2 days on thurs/fri so might miss you being born. I was a bit sad, I realised I wanted to Debs to be there! That evening I got into a very warm bath that daddy had run with lavender oil and milk and I just lie there breathing, watching you rise and fall. The bath smelt really nice, I wondered if I should shave my legs and decided I couldn’t be bothered! You occasionally rolled an arm/leg across. I think you liked being in the bath! You were lying on your side; your head down and your back on my right. I can still feel your head/shoulders resting on my pelvis/hip now if I close my eyes!!

I dried my hands and took a picture of you, my ‘bump’. A message pinged through. It was Lauren asking if I was ok? I sent her a picture of you “omg im actually having another child”
She replied saying “omg it’s happening tonight”
She was right!

I woke up at about 4am. Walked around a bit, had a wee, felt a little ofthe waters go. It was a bit pink.
I text Debs.
I text Mama and Dardak.
I think I woke Daddy at about 4.30am as things were heating up. He brought the big purple spikey ball and I sat rocking on that for a while whilst holding onto the sink. Daddy put a towel over the ball so I was more comfortable.
Bits of the waters kept coming away as I was rocking. Is this really happening now, I’m so tired……
Daddy called Debs.
Debs arrived.
Albert woke up.
Chris arrived.
Evelyn had a lie in!
Mama and Dardak arrived and took Albert and Evelyn out to play …..
I relaxed a bit but Mummys silly body really goes for it when she’s in labour. There’s not much of a build up then it’s 100mph until baby is earth side whenever that happens!
Debs was there, Daddy was there, Chris was there.
There was no real talking, nothing to distract me. I mostly had my eyes closed.
Daddy kept trying to put some music on that we used to listen to whilst on lovely beaches in Malaysia …. I noticed :)
Chris was filling the pool, pouring ️lovely warm water on Mummys bottom and generally being ‘mother hen’ … I noticed. Daddy also said she was really enjoying reading all your story books. :-)
Debs was sat on the floor next to me, giving me water, occasionally saying “that’s great Hannah” …. I noticed.
I was aware everyone was calm. Watching, waiting, listening.
I had nothing in my mind but you.
Everyone there was ‘holding my space’ and I trusted each one fully, to dothat. I knew time wasn’t important, i didn’t feel anxious about ‘the next steps’, what was to come. It will be what it will be, each contraction at a time, getting closer to meeting you. My ️lovely Nan used to say
‘patience is a virtue’. I knew everyone there was there to provide me with support in this truly special time.
I felt loved. I had no inhibitions either which surprises me when I look back at that day! I started to get tired, the pushes/surges that my body was making were becoming hard work.
You were calm.
It was reassuring to know.
I felt I needed to know if you were opening my cervix, Debs suggested I see if I can feel you. I couldn’t so I asked Debs and Chris to check. The seeds of doubt in my own body from previous experiences started to seep through.

Everything was ok.
It just takes time.
Trying to figure out what you needed me to do; I walked, I tried lying on the bed, I sat on the loo. There was so much pressure on my pelvis. Not enough pressure in the right places!
You were ok.
Everything was ok, one step at a time.
The pool was nice.
You seemed to be going into my pelvis at a funny angle so Chris and Debs suggested in a very gentle way we try lifting you on each contraction over ‘a shelf’ ; my pelvis….
I started to need Daddy through each contraction now. Its hard to explain how much human touch means at times like this. We were both lifting you which helped, it took the weight off my pelvis …
In the pool.
Out of the pool.
“I think I just need a c-section”
Obviously you were nearly here …..
After a while of lifting you up and in, I felt a strange almost thud …
You were coming. I sat back down in the water …
Both Daddy and I felt your little head crowning. A VERY new experience.
I will always cherish this :)
We waited for what felt like an eternity through 3 or 4 contractions until you came out!!
10 mins of pushing! (a little panic popped in from my previous experiences) You came up and out of the water full of life!!! You cried VERY loudly!
Gosh, what a relief. You were here, safe.

I found it an overwhelming experience to be ‘allowed’ to get in to a place where I, your mummy …. can birth a baby, you.
It is a force stronger than anything I’ve ever known! I get quite emotional knowing that you are my little pure baby. My lucky no.3!
Something I wanted for Albert and Evelyn so desperately!

My Mummy (Mama) recently lost her Mummy. You met her once. She tried to open her eyes to see you, she knew you were there.
Mama compared entering and leaving the world as very similar processes if left undisturbed. (Obviously certain circumstances often change the course of nature.)
The gift of human life is so precious. Entering this world requires time and a belief in the body. It is painful, but in this world where things come extremely easy, I believe you need to experience this force to understand how precious it is. I am able to appreciate a little of just how amazing Mother Nature is! You gasped for air and cried, very loudly!
All your tiny little organs working in sync in this world for the first time. That first breath. The overwhelming love that completely covers …

Leaving this world requires time. The same labour moans and groans, a belief in the body. Nan-Nan gasped for air and shed a tear. It was the same, but it wasn’t her beginning.

I will always remember your birth as a complete process. Magic.
It was everything we’d hoped for, you arrived in to our arms, we left your cord attached for over an hour so you were such a beautiful colour. Your brother and sister were so excited when they met you, 9 months build up was such a long wait for them! Albert cut your cord and he was so proud…. He is so protective of you it’s so ️lovely to watch. Evelyn is too in her own way. You love having your brother and sister around. It’s when you’re most content. There’s been a few occasions recently (5 months old!) when Albert and Evelyn have gone on day trips whilst Mummy and Daddy work
on the house and you’ve really missed watching them! You’re very lucky to be number 3! It is the magic number. You have been given the freedom to explore on your own which I believe is an important way to learn and we didn’t see the importance of this until now!
We have such special moments in time …
Love you forever angel.